“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…”
Looking back, I knew there would come a time that we would face the valley of the shadow, the darkest hour always being just before dawn. Although this is not the bottom, the possibilities of falling farther into the abyss are closer than one finds comforting to fathom.
Today has been one of those realizations.
The weather did not help with my anxiety, being too cold to get out and put some distance between us and this place that seems to become our prison, day-by-day. There is not enough money to allow us to take a trip, there isn’t enough money to allow us to splurge on a day of fun, no, there isn’t enough resources to allow us to escape other than a walk in the park, if only the weather would allow. The farm still sits waiting to be sold, tying up vital assets forcing us into a budget that is constantly in the red. Our buffer of cash nearly depleted, we are running on fumes.
Yet, I pray more loudly each day, knowing God is listening; it’s just His timing that I cannot understand.
Despite the single digit wind chill, I took a walk over to the Trail and back, just to retrieve some food products so that we didn’t have to go to the store and spend the last few dollars we have for the day’s budget. Walking past small, old mill homes, there was the feeling that this was a life that I had wanted to avoid, one of want and need. Here people lived on meager incomes in houses built over seventy years ago or more. Most are in disrepair, the owners obviously making due with the best they can. Dogs bark angrily as I pass, their demeanor of fearfulness of others that had done the same, others not so well meaning. These neighborhoods are where some turn to illicit activities to aid in the support of their families and their carnal desires. This is not the side of town you want to call home. I had spent years going to college in order to educate myself so that I wouldn’t have to be in this predicament, yet here I am, walking along a street where people are more suspect on foot than they are to be considered walking for their health.
Like those disciples on the road to Emmaus, I now find thoughts of doubt creeping into my mind, even when I know better. Yes, I have even begun to doubt my decision to follow my calling.
As Cleopas and his friend walked, the stranger approached, joining them in their travel. He listened as they explained their pain and fear of having lost their leader, their savior. Jesus quickly rebuked them, “And He said to them, “What kind of conversation is this that you have with one another as you walk and are sad?” -Luke 24:17
It is hard to keep my humanness behind me. Satan knows if he can gain a foothold, he will win, so I keep the door closed and walk on.
There is so much yet to do in order to make the Trail into the thriving place of inspiration it can be. It will take time. The pace of the visitors is as expected this time of year, as frozen as the weather. There is plenty to doubt, but this is the time of planning and preparation. One cannot lose hope when there is so much fertile ground to plant. Yet, looking at the immediate situation of our own personal finances, there is much to despair. But I have the faith, “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, evidence of things unseen…” When I look to those men on the road to Emmaus, I can easily imagine those that had lost their leader and now faced persecution, there had to be more than sadness. They too were in despair. The immediate situation for them looked worse than bleak. Even the body of Jesus had gone missing, and yet they still didn’t get it.
As Jesus joined the disciples, clearly, he was amazed their unbelief, after all, that he had told them would transpire, they still did not understand. It wasn’t until after they had heard him open the scriptures from the time of Moses, through all the prophets, about what would happen did their hearts burn for the Lord. “And they said to one another, “Did not our heart burn within us while He talked with us on the road, and while He opened the Scriptures to us?”-Luke 24:32 Still unaware, they invited him to stay with them for the night and only after He broke the bread at their table, were their eyes opened to whom their new friend really was, Jesus Christ.
When I finally reached our tiny abode, thankful to have a warm house, a roof over my head and a place to rest, I set down my groceries and gave thanks to God for allowing me to continue on. As my numb fingers began to thaw, I reflected back on the past few month. I have been a witness to amazing things already in the short time I’ve been here doing His will. There has been life changing testimony, there have been prayers lifted up for many, there have been times the Holy Spirit has dwelt among us and much more. Many have beheld amazing testimony of their own as they have watched the Trail begin to breathe a new breath of life. However, we can’t do it on our own. Each day God is my teacher and each day, my studying of the scriptures and what it is to walk in His way continues to grow.
I’ve got so much to learn, but knowing that God’s time is not our own, there is a comfort in that feeling that He’s got it all under control; this I must reassure myself over and over.
Once more, I have to die to myself in order so that He may live through me more.
We must open our eyes and realize what has been set before us, what has been divulged to us even while we thought we were alone, and yet we were not. Let us walk our road to Emmaus with opened eyes and a joyful heart, lest we fail to realize the beauty of what lies before and within us.
“He maketh me lie down in green pastures, He leadeth me beside still waters, He restoreth my soul, He leadeth me down paths of righteousness for His namesake…”
There is so much to be done, the stone has been rolled away and He is Risen.
Yes, He is Risen indeed.
Thanks be to God
